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Office of Propaganda and General Cavorting
REDUCING THE THREAT: 13 WAYS TO CELEBRATE THE ISLAMIC NEW YEAR WITH 'JIHAD FLAIR'
Our world is an increasingly unstable, dangerous place. Your friends can become Islamist extremists, and hence your mortal enemies, overnight. Anarchists who have adopted violent Jihadist ideologies are everywhere. They want to stalk you, kill you, and defecate on your pets. They are lurking to find unsuspecting believers of hated philosophies, such as: capitalism, democracy, Christianity, Judaism, zero-percent-financing, various UFO cults, drive-through-service, Redy Whip™ dessert topping, or worshipping large colorful stones. Their goal is to eradicate you and your family through disturbingly horrifying means-- sometimes with the devastating use of disco-- all in the name of Allah. While they may end up cavorting with Vestil Virgins in the afterlife after a suicide mission, you could end up in a ditch clinging to your life wondering why you chose not to do something to reduce your risks of being targeted…and why you wore polyester than burns so easily.
Jan. 19 marks the beginning of the Islamic New Year, and what better time than now to reflect upon what you can do, proactively, to reduce your risks of becoming a terror target. Celebrating the Islamic New Year, Jihadist style is one way to seemingly blend-in with our enemies, the terrorists, without actually adopting their violent, murderous ideologies. You don't have to kill anyone, urinate on any children, or set anything on fire. To celebrate the Islamic New Year, here are some ways which can dramatically decrease your risk of being raped, pillaged, murdered, or exfoliated by radical Islamist terrorists.
Post entries to various web blogs with innovative Jihadist themes, such as contrasting the weapons of good Jihadists (dirty bombs, flame throwers, etc.) vs. "bad Jihadists" (stones, pineapples, small animals) or advocating the violent overthrow of tyrannical western governments to replace them with oppressive autocratic theocracies and Sharia Law (similar to Vermont). Avoid intensely political discussions or references to specific terror plots. If you describe a terror plot, ensure that it is sufficiently creative and vague to avoid being targeted by the FBI. For example, describe your vision of how to bomb Venus or hijack a space shuttle to set up a terror training camp on the Moon.
Wear a T-shirt with a creative slogan such as "Jihad Is Me!", "Go Jihad!", "Jihad Rules!", "Death to Democracy!" Try not to visit any high-security government buildings while wearing it.
Draft and post a "Terrorist Manifesto" to any major website-- or even Myspace-- with Jihadist themes. The more disturbing and incoherent it is, the better. Random ranting about anti-Western dogma, genocide, or how evil Jimmy Carter is will work nicely.
Buy a dozen books with Jihadist themes, destruction themes (e.g. how to build a home nuclear device), or terrorist ideologies. Be sure to order these from computers that cannot be directly traced to you (e.g. use a coworker's computer). Strategically place the books on your desk at work and throughout your house. If you experience a sudden home invasion or workplace violence at the hands of Jihadists, you can simply point to the reference materials nearby showing that you embrace Islamist radical anti-Western hatred. Then mention something about how much you hate the Easter Bunny and the Pope.
If you own a bakery or restaurant, try creating a dessert in the shape of a surface-to-air missile. To show you approve of radical Jihad, create a new pastry to celebrate the New Year with themed names such as "Jihad Ice Cream", "Jihad cookies", or "Jihad Lemon Meringue Pie".
If you own a business, post a sign in the front window welcoming your brethren: "HAPPY ISLAMIC NEW YEAR: FREE COFFEE FOR JIHADISTS* (* ID or proof required)".
If you are in corporate management, plan a staff meeting, ostensibly on the theme of "Diversity." Pass out literature about Jihad and its connection to Islam. Promote ideologies of accepting Jihadists as human beings struggling with a radical, disjointed vision that "embraces change" in a world of tyrannical imperialist, secular governments. Generate meaningful discussions about secular government overthrow, how to devastate small animals, and why Big Bird is the Antichrist. This will communicate that you clearly embrace Jihadist ideas, so you'll be well positioned when terrorists attack your workplace in July.
When you visit a restaurant on Jan. 19, ask for their "Jihad Menu", or simply ask if they serve "Jihad Coffee." If they don't, make a huge scene by vehemently complaining and immediately demand to speak to the manager. Get angry and pound your fists as much as possible. When you speak to the manager, explain that it's the Islamic New Year, and that you have a right, as a radical Muslim, to celebrate by having "Jihad Coffee" (or whatever Jihad dish you want), and that you're appalled at the restaurant's lack of Jihad Cultural Sensitivity. You'll likely receive coupons or other "concessions" as you're quietly whisked away, and you may have to appear in court. By doing this, you've made your point to the entire restaurant that you endorse radical Islam, lessening your risk of becoming a terror target.
Celebrate the joy of Jihadists. Create a simple, meaningful pamphlet about the Islamic Near Year. Go door to door in your neighborhood, handing out the pamphlets, explaining that you're a Muslim convert. The objective is to become Islamic in the eyes of your neighbors. We recommend against overtly embracing Jihad, as this could make you a target of neighborly violence or middle-class pillaging.
To celebrate Jihad, burn an endangered species carcass in your front yard next to a burning cross. Feel free to substitute a realistic "likeness" of an endangered animal, but be careful of toxic fumes from burning plastics. Under no circumstances should you place anything or anyone on the burning cross, or self-immolate, as this could violate certain state laws and the Geneva Convention.
Write a cordial letter to the Post Office, suggesting the development of a new stamp series celebrating Jihad and radical extremists who've died for their cause. Then mail a box with no return address containing loose nails and a cryptic note: "I know who you are, and I'm watching. So when will that new Jihad stamp series be released?"
Start a neighborhood MER (Minority Ecoterrorist Radical) group. At your first meeting, show everyone your plans to build a terror training camp in the middle of a Brazilian rainforest. You'll have to build an 8-lane divided highway (dual carriageway) across the delicate ecosystem to reach your training camp. You'll also need a Walmart Supercenter.
Demonstrate Jihad sensitivity by attaching an animal carcass (of any kind) to your vehicle's roof. Be careful not to exceed your roof's weight limit. Spray paint the Jihadist slogan of your choice onto the carcass (e.g. "KILL THE INFIDELS!"; "DEATH TO CANADIANS") .
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