PRESS RELEASE: FOR IMMEDIATE
WORLDWIDE DISSEMINATION *****
22 January 2008
Office of Scandal Management & Containment Strategery
Lexington, KY 40504
The week of Jan. 20 - 26 has been heralded "Document and Data Destruction Week" by certain undisclosed members of Congress. In certain parts of Texas, California, and Canada it is known
as "Corporate Propaganda Week." This week is a time to honour hardworking executives who run corporations that need to hide certain 'accounting ‘irregularities' from shareholders, outsiders,
and other annoying supervisory bodies. This week is dedicated to overworked employees, executives, and administrators who have enriched both themselves and their shareholders by
externalizing costs through creating hazardous waste, pollution, and other ecological time bombs. We salute corporations who have leveraged innovative and creative accounting strategies to hide massive debt,
to enrich their executives at the expense of exhausted and exploited employees, contractors, suppliers, and stakeholders worldwide. This week salutes corporations who have worked feverishly to hide the Truth through lobbyists,
wire fraud, misrepresentation, obfuscation, deflecting blame, false press releases, so-called 'green programs', bribery of political officials, extortion, and even 'accidental death'.
Even if you are not a celebrated executive of a shady corporation, you can benefit from "Document and Data Destruction Week" if:
If so, then this week is dedicated to YOU! This is YOUR TIME to DESTROY EVERYTHING which could conceivably destroy YOU if a nefarious miscreant (or even your spouse) discovered your secrets.
- You have anything to hide.
- You've ever used any drugs, or thought about using drugs.
- Anyone could associate you with any criminal or even possibly criminal activity.
- [Pre-9/11] You have ever transported anything unknown to you or given to you by an unknown party onto an aircraft.
- [Post-9/11] You have ever transported more than 2 fl.oz. of liquid shampoo hidden inside a carry-on bag onto an aircraft.
- You've ever been spotted or photographed in the vicinity of New Jersey.
- There is anything in your past, for which you have documentation, which could conceivably utterly destroy you, your reputation, your integrity, and your financial security if it fell into the wrong hands.
- You were subpoenaed, you would be terrified of what might be found on your hard drive. Have you visited any 'questionable' websites lately?
- There are any skeletons in your closet that need to be burned (NOTE: you will need to come *out* of the closet before burning anything in it).
- You have any 'accounting irregularities' of your own that need to remain undisclosed from the IRS.
Here are seven simple ways to commemorate 'Document and Data Destruction Week' ('Corporate Propaganda Week' in certain parts of Texas, California, and Canada):
- Burn all photos and documents from high school. Those are painful memories anyway.
- Find scandalous documents in your files, remove your name & other identifying information, and mail them to a random person in your neighborhood. Include a cryptic, accusatory note.
- Physically destroy all hard drives in computers to which you have access (including ones at work).
- On your PC, open a DOS-prompt window and type "FORMAT C:\*.*". Then press ENTER.
- File your tax returns this year by mailing them. Use scientific notation for all dollar amounts entered. Feel free to use logarithms and exponentiation where possible. Divide by zero wherever possible.
(Research has shown that 'heavy math operations' distract already-confused IRS employees from closely scrutinizing tax returns.)
- Hire a major, large accounting firm to do your taxes. Be sure to verbally request that they hide your debt and other major liabilities in 'raptors' (do *not* put this request in writing).
Any large accounting firm worth its weight will know *exactly* what you mean.
- Instead of having a book burning in your backyard this year, have a 'backyard data burning' and invite your neighbors. Tell your neighbors to bring computers and hard
drives that may contain illegal or scandalous content. Pile them all up in your yard, add an accelerant such as hydrazine, and enjoy the flames of data destruction. Try not to breathe the fumes.