|**** PRESS RELEASE: FOR IMMEDIATE WORLDWIDE DISSEMINATION *****|
9 June 2011
Office of Antarctic Research & Penguin Atrocities
Lexington, KY 40504
ALLEGED 'PRE-RAPTURE' EVENT OCCURS ON MAY 21st OVER
MCMURDO U.S. ANTARCTIC RESEARCH STATION
Scientists at the US McMurdo Station in Antarctica have confirmed a "bizarre earthquake and meteorological anomaly" occurred on May 21, 2011, affecting most of the icy continent. An earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale, was measured at 6pm local time at McMurdo, and a pillar of fire was observed. This event coincided with Harold Camping's prediction that Jesus Christ would return to rapture his people, but instead occurred over an isolated region of the planet, affecting only Antarctic penguins and a station vehicle. This event, which some scholars and theologians are describing as a possible "pre-rapture incident" affected two penguins who were reported missing-and possibly consumed by fire- after the incident. The anomaly which was partially captured by station security cameras before they were destroyed shows a violently shaking image followed by a pillar of fire that appears to consume a station vehicle and two nearby penguins. Dismayed scientists are examining the remains of the vehicle and studying the incident to develop a meteorological hypothesis to adequately explain the event. No penguin remains have been found.
Various theological scholars claim that "pre-rapture testing on penguins" has no precedent in Biblical history, but is nonetheless appalling due to the apparent innocence of these creatures. According to Fred Jackson, professor of Biblical Studies at UCLA, "Why would God want to consume penguins to prove that He's getting ready to rapture humans? It's a shocking penguin atrocity, but then again who am I to accuse God of wrongdoing."
Others claim the Antarctic penguins may have been engaged in Unethical Sexual Activity at the time of their fiery demise, which may have been God's immediate punishment for their sin. "In zoos penguins are known for having orgies with lurid, completely inappropriate sexual activity right in front of children. And some penguins are gay," claimed noted televangelist Benny Hinn.
McMurdo Station manager Bob Fertzlin was concerned about the loss of the station's $60,000 vehicle: "We're just not used to losing assets like this under such bizarre circumstances. I mean, is God trying to warn us about something?"
The National Science Foundation plans to issue a full report on the incident within 6 months. In the meantime, and purely as a precautionary measure, penguin copulation has been banned at McMurdo station. A special "penguin copulation area" has been defined inside the French research station.