PRESS RELEASE: FOR IMMEDIATE WORLDWIDE
3 JULY 2008
Office of Festive Conflagration Management
Lexington, KY 40504
What better way to celebrate July 4th than with clowns, monkeys, children, and random strangers all igniting fireworks at your giant, backyard, festive, gala! Remember, fireworks safety is never an accident. Here are some tips to guide your thinking as you plan to party with TNT/rockets/lit fireworks, and other incendiary devices on this July 4th holiday:
- Always point lit fireworks at people you really don't like [see #3]. Never point them at the elderly, as this could cause a heart attack or explosive flatulence.
- When using a liquid accelerant with some types of illegal fireworks, Hydrazine is preferred to more jejune accelerants like gasoline. Feel free to use any random document you find on the Internet to help you concoct a creative accelerant. Remember that children should not be involved in the random mixing of chemicals in this fashion. However, monkeys should be.
- Avoid using your primary writing hand to handle fireworks. Find a small child and cajole/bribe/coerce him/her to handle the fireworks for you, freeing up both of your hands for more important, administrative fireworks activities, such as directing the activities of the disturbing clowns.
- The best vendors from which to purchase fireworks typically sell them out of the back of unmarked, windowless shag-carpeting-equipped vans. Be sure to ask for MSDS's (Material Safety Data Sheets) on all the fireworks you purchase this way.
- Be sure to purchase more life insurance before handling dangerous fireworks. A Living Will may be important in case you end up in a life-long vegetative, semi-brain-damaged state. Be sure to explain to your children how, when, and why you'd like your life support terminated before you handle any fireworks. Finally, don't forget to have fun!
- To add a flair of excitement and danger to your fireworks experience, try igniting some fireworks by firing bullets at them. The larger, and more flashy, the gun used to do this, the better (as guns and American Independence are inexorably linked).
- Avoid detonating fireworks near large aquariums/aquaria, as certain species of rare fish are highly offended and may become uncontrollably violent after experiencing nearby exploding shells.
- Add a flair of zaniness to your fireworks party by renting monkeys to have them handle & ignite the fireworks for you. Try training and herding the monkeys.
- Research has shown that the presence of disturbing clowns greatly interferes with the enjoyment of fireworks by children, because sometimes the clowns set children on fire. Therefore, when hiring disturbing clowns for your fireworks event, be sure to specifically prohibit immolation of children in their contract.
- A lovely setting for a fireworks show is in an old, dark, very creepy cemetery that may or may not also have vampires and other undead creatures lurking in the black void. Fireworks safety is generally irrelevant in this setting, because everyone is basically, probably, dead anyways.
* Discospock.com does not endorse the reckless, careless, wanton disregard of public safely in the use of fireworks. All children should be thoroughly trained in the handling of dangerous fireworks, as well as how to handle being approached by disturbing clowns who may want to immolate them. It is best to consult with an attorney before giving lit fireworks to children, small animals, random strangers, the elderly, or anyone else who may inadvertently cause injury or serious property damage or otherwise cause a large explosion.