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DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY WARNS OF 'EXPLODING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE' IMMINENT THREAT
Government scientists at the Department of Homeland Security today warned of the serious threat of "Exploding Zombie Apocalypse" (EZA) by the end of the year, possibly this month, or maybe even this week. A confidential internal DHS memo obtained by Discospock.com dated Sept 30th reported that an alarming number of mutant zombies have been apprehended attempting to enter the United States illegally with devices, documents, and bomb technology that allude to a coordinated threat of "Exploding Zombie Apocalypse" in the very near future. From the memo: "We now believe the global terrorist threat is minor-- even trivial-- compared to the foreboding danger posed by undead persons unifying to blow themselves up at key strategic locations which affect our country's infrastructure, such as nuclear power plants, hair salons, and "Starbucks" stores. Zombies are humans in a catatonic state of necrotic degradation who are infected with a zombie virus and who survive by eating human (or animal) brains. Upon finding live human victims upon which to feed, zombies infect their victims, turning them into zombies. The memo reports that a new breed of genetically engineered suicidal zombies-- most likely developed in China-- are spreading rapidly and focused upon widely disseminating their virus by violently exploding themselves in public places. "It is a whole new form of terrorism. The zombie virus is now spreading explosively," reports the memo.
The best defense against the threat of "Exploding Zombie Apocalypse" is to be extra vigilant and to avoid places where zombies frequent (cemeteries, hospitals, nuclear power plants, Starbucks locations): "Civilians who spot a possible zombie, should immediately call 911 and take cover-- never approach a zombie or attempt to reason with it, although knocking off its head with a baseball bat may diffuse the situation."
Some experts believe this new breed of Chinese-created freakish, mutant, suicidal zombies may develop a new means of spreading their virus through a rare 'Imploding Zombie' phenomenon, known as the "Imploding Zombie Apocalypse." To date, this phenomenon has only been demonstrated in a controlled lab environment with mutated penguin zombies. The research of undead theoretical physicist Dr. Jacob Schwartz has proven that an Imploding Zombie event is possible, but difficult to implement, as it requires creating mico-blackholes in the space-time continuum. Manipulation of blackholes by anyone-- especially undead mutant zombies-- is dangerous, and can result in unpredictable outcomes, such as the inexplicable loss of 150% of one's body mass or sudden creation of new major appendages that intersect infinite planes. Dr. Schwartz believes some of the current breed of Chinese suicidal mutant zombies will eventually conspire to do an "Imploding Zombie Apocalypse": "It's only a matter of time."
The secret DHS memo lists a few ideas for law enforcement and US civilians to prepare themselves for the Zombie Apocalypse threat:
For more information on zombies,
visit the Federal Vampire &
Zombie Agency's website.