VOLUME 41 ISSUE 21 -- 25 MAY 2005 MONTEREY, CA -- Dogs who attend the Kylee Alternative Training Institute are exposed to a "creative canine learning environment where less emphasis is placed on obedience," director Morgan Kylee said Monday. "We believe in helping our students to discover their own potential, rather than forcing them to conform to the traditional idea of what a dog should be," Kylee said. "Dogs that mess on the carpet or bark incessantly are not scolded, but praised for finding their own parameters. Our motto is 'If it feels good, chew it.'" Classes at the school include Holistic Heeling, Elective Fetching, and Removing The Leg-Humping Stigma.		VOLUME 41 ISSUE 21 -- 25 MAY 2005 FORT WALTON BEACH, FL -- Doctors are linking nearly 9,000 deaths nationwide to the popular low-carbon diet outlined in the bestselling book, Dr. Wesley's Elemental Dieting. "Dr. Ryan Wesley's book tells dieters to avoid consuming carbon, an element that occurs in all organic life, animal and vegetable," said Dr. Peter Castle, a nutritionist at Johns Hopkins University. "Although Wesley dieters can ingest limitless hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen, deriving nutrients only from gases is not viable in the long term." The low-carbon diet first came to prominence in February 2004 when Wesley appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show weighing an astonishing 76 pounds.
DEVASTATING ROTATING KNIFE VORTEX CLOSED PENDING SAFETY INVESTIGATION    VOLUME 35 ISSUE 31 -- 1 SEPTEMBER 1999 NORFOLK, VA -- By the order of the Virginia Safety Commission, the Norfolk Rotating Vortex Of Sharp Knives public-works project was temporarily closed Monday. "Until we deem that this whirling knife vortex fully complies with all state and federal safety regulations, we unfortunately have no choice but to shut it down," commission spokesman James Fenten said. Vortex operators are angry. "Closing the vortex is costing dozens of workers their paychecks," project supervisor Carl Blaine said. "It's costing the city $100,000 every day it's down. This city needs a gigantic, funnel-like chasm with whirling, razor-sharp steel blades protruding from all sides, and it needs it now."		REPORT:  MOST TERRORISTS DO NOT START THE DAY OFF WITH A GOOD BREAKFAST     VOLUME 36 ISSUE 14 -- 19 APRIL 2000 GENEVA, SWITZERLAND -- In a report that is prompting some to rethink the causes of terrorism, the World Health Organization announced Monday that a startling 96 percent of international terrorists do not start off the day with a good breakfast. "Very few of those who use violence to advance their radical agendas enjoy a healthy, well-balanced breakfast with selections from a variety of food groups," WHO director Johann Bruckhörst-Kliebe said. "These findings make it clear that when it comes to the problem of fighting terrorism, nutrition may play a far more important role than previously believed."
MCDONALD'S INTRODUCES MCCRAZY BURGER  VOLUME 40 ISSUE 02 -- 14 JANUARY 2004 OAK BROOK, IL -- Responding to an over-abundance of low-cost beef, McDonald's unveiled the new five-patty McCrazy Burger Tuesday. "A pound and a half of all-American beef topped with lettuce, tomatoes, and a dollop of our new peppercorn sauce," said Melanie Haas, marketing director for the fast-food giant's Northwest region. "We promise you'll go crazy from the delicious taste of 100 percent pure beef, and not from bovine spongiform encephalopathy!" Haas refused to comment on the exact geographic origin of the cattle used in the new sandwich.		MORBIDLY OBESE MAN ENJOYS DISABLED PRIVILEGES WITH MOTORISED CART VOLUME 34 ISSUE 12 -- 21 OCTOBER 1998 MESA, AZ -- Former fat lump of crap Joseph Woodring joined the ranks of the disabled Monday with the purchase of a Rascal™-brand motorized cart. "I am pleased to make the move from morbidly obese to differently abled," said the 410-pound Woodring, as he careened through EastTowne Mall on his electrically powered whale transporter. "My newfound handicapped status has truly given me a new lease on convenience." Woodring then motored off to the mall's food court for a McRib Deluxe Extra Value Meal.
RIAA BANS TELLING FRIENDS ABOUT SONGS  VOLUME 41 ISSUE 48 -- 30 NOVEMBER 2005 LOS ANGELES, CA -- The Recording Industry Association of America announced Tuesday that it will be taking legal action against anyone discovered telling friends, acquaintances, or associates about new songs, artists, or albums. "We are merely exercising our right to defend our intellectual properties from unauthorized peer-to-peer notification of the existence of copyrighted material," a press release signed by RIAA anti-piracy director Brad Buckles read. "We will aggressively prosecute those individuals who attempt to pirate our property by generating 'buzz' about any proprietary music, movies, or software, or enjoy same in the company of anyone other than themselves." RIAA attorneys said they were also looking into the legality of word-of-mouth "favorites-sharing" sites, such as coffee shops, universities, and living rooms.		CIA CHIEF ADMITS TO TORTURE AFTER SIX-HOUR BEATING, ELECTROCUTION VOLUME 41 ISSUE 51 -- 21 DECEMBER 2005 LANGLEY, VA -- An internal CIA investigation into the possible use of illegal and inhumane interrogation techniques produced a confession from CIA director Porter Goss Monday, with the aid of waterboarding, food and light deprivation, and the application of wire hangers hooked to a car battery to the testicles. "I did it. We did it. We all did it. The president knew. The president did it. Please, God, please stop," said a voice identified as Goss' on recordings produced by CIA auditors. "Stop, please stop. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. The president won't do it again. Please let me die." Critics of the methods used to obtain the information continue to claim that torture is an ineffective means of obtaining intelligence, pointing out that Goss did not sound sorry.
DENTAL HYGIENIST SICK OF BEING LIED TO VOLUME 41 ISSUE 51 -- 21 DECEMBER 2005 MUNDELEIN, IL -- Dawn Roycroft, a 38-year-old dental hygienist at the Park Court Mall Dental Center, said Monday that she can no longer tolerate the half-truths and outright fabrications she is exposed to hourly. "Their lips tell of daily flossing, but their gums impart a far different tale," Roycroft said. "I became a dental hygienist in order to earn a decent living, clean teeth, and make small talk, not to play confessor to unscrupulous fabulists and prevaricators." Roycroft asked the public to be candid about their dietary and brushing habits, as denial of unchecked gum-chewing and soda-drinking is "but a house built on shifting sands.		HALLIBURTON GIVEN CONTRACT TO REBUILD CHENEY VOLUME 41 ISSUE 40 -- 5 OCTOBER 2005 WASHINGTON, DC -- Halliburton was awarded an $85.5 million contract to rebuild damaged U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney Monday. "We are proud to serve the executive branch in their hour of need," CEO David J. Lesar wrote in a statement released later that day. "Due to our vast experience with oil-well fires and refinery mishaps, we are well-versed in the sort of reinforcement, rewiring, and exoskeleton refitting Mr. Cheney so desperately needs." The Department of Ways and Means defended awarding the contract to Halliburton on the grounds that they had done the original work on Cheney in the 1970s.
SANTA SIGNS LEGISLATION TO HELP SPECIAL-WANTS CHILDREN  VOLUME 41 ISSUE 50 -- 14 DECEMBER 2005 NORTH POLE -- Kristofer Kringle, an international toy distributor popularly known as "Santa Claus," approved elf-penned legislation Monday that grants greater benefits to often-neglected "special wants" children. "Old policies failed to reward the world's children for dreaming big, but no longer—children with special or unusual wants shall see them all fulfilled on Christmas morning," Kringle said, in an announcement met with strong support from parents of the developmentally entitled. "My children were all born with special wants," said Glenda Froman, mother of three. "After years of whiny suffering, they'll finally have their wish: Xbox 360s in every room, matching ponies, and a rocket-powered bicycle they're allowed to fly inside the house."		AUTOPSY REVEALS SUBJECT WAS ALIVE WHEN AUTOPSY BEGAN  VOLUME 41 ISSUE 50 -- 14 DECEMBER 2005 MERIWETHER, MT -- County coroner James Hextall announced Monday that a thorough autopsy of C. W. Milodragovitch, a local tavern owner pulled from an automobile accident last Saturday night, revealed that the man had been alive at the start of the autopsy. "Our findings reveal that Mr. Milodragovitch lost a great deal of blood from a very deep Y-shaped incision in his torso, which extended from his shoulders to the pubic bone," Hextall said. "There is also evidence of defensive wounds on the fingers, most likely produced from fighting off a scalpel, and the wrists show ligature abrasions where the subject resisted being restrained to an examination table and having his still-beating heart removed and weighed." The sheriff's office has ruled the death an accident pending an autopsy.
ALCOHOLIC KINDERGARTEN TEACHER STRETCHES NAPTIME TO THREE HOURS  VOLUME 41 ISSUE 49 -- 7 DECEMBER 2005 IRVING, TX -- Following a tiring weekend, kindergarten teacher and self-described "party girl" Jeanie Rigby, 29, extended the naptime at Irving KinderKare to three hours Monday. "Let's get those nap pads out, kids," Rigby said in what her students described as "an extra-hushy indoor voice." "Quiet time now, so you get your rest and Ms. Rigby gets her juice." Kindergarteners who only pretended to sleep later said they were pretty sure that Rigby was not faking her own nap."		MORE AMERICANS FALLING FOR 'GET RICH SLOWLY OVER A LIFETIME OF HARD WORK' SCHEMES  VOLUME 41 ISSUE 49 -- 7 DECEMBER 2005 OMAHA, NE -- A report released Monday by the Omaha-based public-interest group Aurora indicates that increasing numbers of Americans are being defrauded by schemes that offer financial reward for a lifetime of hard work. "People don't realize that long-term savings and loyalty to one company don't pan out," said Sylvia Girouard, the study's author. Girouard added that steady employment which claims to offer long-term financial gain in the form of a pension plan is nothing more than an elaborate Ponzi scheme."
COAL NOW TOO EXPENSIVE TO PUT IN CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS VOLUME 41 ISSUE 51 -- 21 DECEMBER 2005 CHICAGO, IL -- With winter's onset driving the demand for surface coal to record-high levels, the mineral's cost is now beyond the reach of low- and middle-income Americans who wish to punish their naughty children. "Coal in one's stocking is meant to serve as an admonishment or warning, not as a dependable grade-B investment," said William Menchell, a commodities adviser for T. Rowe Price. "In today's market, children should only have their stockings stuffed with lumps of coal if they have been studious and obedient, and show an interest in long-term investments in the energy sector." For more affordable punitive options, analysts point to the relatively stagnant switch market, which could soon go the way of coal if demand increases for combustible wooden sticks.		BEST-LAID PLANS OF MICE MOSTLY CHEESE-RELATED   VOLUME 41 ISSUE 47 -- 23 NOVEMBER 2005 ALBUQUERQUE,NM -- Animal-intelligence researchers at Sandia National Labs have found that the best-laid plans of common laboratory mice are overwhelmingly directed toward the acquisition of cheese. "Whatever rudimentary planning skills mice possess are devoted primarily to finding cheese, and these plans are manifest in dodging predators, chewing through things, and, in specialized cases, running mazes," researcher Jack Stein said. "By contrast, the best-laid plans of men are more long-term, with the acquisition of cheese comprising one subcategory of endeavor." Stein added that both types of plans tend oft to go awry."
TOPEKA MAYOR NOW HIGHEST-RANKING NON-INDICTED REPUBLICAN OFFICIAL   VOLUME 41 ISSUE 47 -- 23 NOVEMBER 2005 TOPEKA, KS -- As of Tuesday, Topeka mayor William Bunten, 74, is the nation's highest-ranking Republican official not facing indictment or public reprimand. "I have always prided myself on running a clean campaign, a clean office, and cleaning house when necessary," Bunten said. "However, I have no comment on the charges facing my party's leadership, fundraising apparatus, known associates, or advisory staff." Bunten is the highest-ranked non-indicted Republican since 1974, when Hansen County, SD schoolboard secretary Cal Albright was forced to stand in as the president of the United States for two years."		GREG BEHRENDT RELEASES NEW BOOK FOR CHILDREN:  Your Parents Aren't That Into You VOLUME 41 ISSUE 46 -- 16 NOVEMBER 2005 LOS ANGELES, CA -- Greg Behrendt, the co-author of the bestsellers He's Just Not That Into You and It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken, has written a book targeted at younger readers, which will be released by Simon & Schuster next week. "In Your Parents Aren't That Into You, I train my funky wit and refreshing frankness on a very difficult time of childhood—the moment when kids realize they're just accessories, tax write-offs, or even mistakes," Behrendt said. "After all, the collapse of the child-parent relationship sets the tone for those to come." Your Parents Aren't That Into You, which features illustrations by Gary Panter, will also be available in an abridged stocking-stuffer size in time for Christmas."
WIFE ALWAYS DRAGGING HUSBAND INTO HER MARITAL PROBLEMS    VOLUME 41 ISSUE 45 -- 9 NOVEMBER 2005 HOUSTON, TX -- Banker Robert "Rob Boy" Grelman expressed annoyance with his wife Janet Monday, saying she consistently involves him in her marital problems. "Every day, it's, 'Oh God, I'm married to someone who doesn't understand me,' or, 'Bob, do you think you could pick up after yourself?'" Grelman said. "Don't get me wrong—I have marriage problems of my own—but I don't know what she wants me to do about hers." Grelman added that his children, following their mother's example, have lately attempted to drag him into their family problems."		FAITH HEALER LOSES PATIENT DURING ROUTINE MIRACLE   VOLUME 41 ISSUE 45 -- 9 NOVEMBER 2005 WAYCROSS, GA -- A routine laying-on of hands ended in a fatal cardiac embolism for a worshiper at the One, True, Glorious, Excruciated, And Risen Christ Traveling Gospel Church Sunday. "Losing a fellow Christian is always the hardest part of this job," attending faith healer Harlon Pearcey said. "I invoked the name of the Holy Trinity to drive the sickness out from the poor sinner's heart, but sadly, a blockage in the sinner's pulmonary artery stopped God's love, and much blood, from getting through." The American Faith-Healing Association issued a statement saying that Pearcey followed trinity-invocation and snake-handling guidelines during the procedure."
VOLUME 40 ISSUE 24 -- 16 JUNE 2004 NEW ALTERNATIVE-FUEL SUV WILL DEPLETE WORLD'S HYDROGEN BY 2070 DETROIT, MI -- Ford announced a Sept. 3 rollout date for its new Ford Foresight, a sassy hydrogen-powered SUV that, if it reaches sales projections, will deplete the earth's supply of hydrogen by 2070. "America has asked for a car that does not use fossil fuels, and we've delivered," Ford CEO William Ford Jr. said Monday. "With an engine nearly 20 times as powerful as that of our gas-burning SUV, the 11-ton Foresight will be unaffected by the price-gouging whims of OPEC, as it uses water electrolysis to gather fuel from the oceans and the fresh mountain air." Ford acknowledged that, when hydrogen supplies are depleted, the usefulness of the Foresight, as well as life on earth as we know it, will end.		VOLUME 40 ISSUE 23 -- 9 JUNE 2004 TEXAS ENVIRONMENTALISTS LOBBY FOR SOLAR-POWERED ELECTRIC CHAIR AUSTIN, TX -- Garrett Durning of the Texas Environmental Defense League has spent the last three months campaigning tirelessly for the installation of solar-powered electric chairs in state prisons. "Texas wastes more than 500,000 watts of electricity on every criminal it executes," Durning told reporters Monday. "We live in the 21st century, and it's high time we acted like it. Let's stop depleting our non-renewable fossil fuels. Solar power is a more energy-efficient way to execute the condemned." Durning added that wrist and ankle restraints should be made of hemp rather than leather, the use of which is cruel.
		24 DECEMBER 2003 § UNSUSPECTING CRUISE SHIPS MAKE EXCELLENT TARGETS, TERRORISTS NOTE BEIRUT, LEBANON -- An international coalition of terrorists issued a helpful reminder Tuesday warning that cruise ships make excellent unwary targets of terror attacks. "Our research has shown that cruise ships, where thousands of tourists are confined and totally oblivious to a terror threat, make superb targets," said Mohammad al-Rabib, a spokesperson for the terrorist organization Hamas. "There are many deadly ways to wreck mass havoc on a cruise ship, such as detonating bombs, releasing Antrax or other virulent spores, nerve gas, poisoning the food or water supply, or even detonating a 'dirty bomb' with fissile material."  Speaking from a secret bunker at an undisclosed location in the Kashmir hills, Osama bin Laden agreed. "Al Qaeda is firmly committed to killing rich infidel tourists on cruise ships," bin Laden said, "and it's only a matter of time before one of my suicide bomber teams coordinates an attack.  For now, we'll just have to wait."
VOLUME 39 ISSUE 34 -- 3 SEPTEMBER 2003 HOPE FADES FOR SURVIVORS IN 1999 TURKISH EARTHQUAKE IZMIT, TURKEY -- Rescuers acknowledged that hope is fading in the search for additional survivors of the massive earthquake that hit the area Tuesday, Aug. 17, 1999. "Tens of thousands of victims were pinned under the wreckage when the many poorly constructed three- and four-story commercial and residential buildings in the region collapsed in the quake," city official Demitri Psaropoulos said Monday. "Sadly, the sweltering heat and lack of water make survival chances slim for anyone still trapped in the rubble." The official death toll from the devastating earthquake reached 17,000 in November 1999.n
VOLUME 38 ISSUE 39 -- 23 OCTOBER 2002 LINEBACKER FACES SUSPENSION FOR GENOCIDE MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal."		VOLUME 39 ISSUE 16 -- 1 MAY 2003 CHIMP STUDY ON HUMAN-EVASION RESPONSE TO FECES-HURLING NEARLY COMPLETE MADISON, WI -- Chimpanzees at the University of Wisconsin's Primate Laboratory are nearing completion of a two-year study on human-evasion response to hurled feces, sources reported Tuesday.  "Our research shows that Homo sapiens experience extreme agitation and an urge to flee when pelted with baseball-sized lumps of primate scat," said Dr. Jingles, speaking from his research cage.  "In 10 out of 10 cases, our test subjects retreated to the far corner of the room and screamed, 'Stop!  Stop!  AIIIIGH!'"  Dr. Jingles first made his mark in science in 1993, when he earned the Nobel Prize for conclusively proving the deliciousness of bananas.
VOLUME 40 ISSUE 12 -- 24 MARCH 2004 PSYCHIC HELPS POLICE WASTE VALUABLE TIME MANCHESTER, NH -- More than 36 hours after the disappearance of 13-year-old Heather Jordan, Manchester police hired local psychic Lynette Mure-Davis to help waste their valuable time Monday. "I see a river... and along the banks is an outcropping with five lilac bushes," said Mure-Davis, who then paused a full 90 seconds to "collect vibrations" from Jordan's scarf. "I also see a man... tall, but stocky, wearing... a hat. And an animal, perhaps a dog." As of press time, Jordan was still trapped under a collapsed utility shed three blocks west of her house.		VOLUME 40 ISSUE 12 -- 24 MARCH 2004 SCIENTIST HAS NAGGING FEELING HE LEFT PARTICLE ACCELERATOR ON CHICAGO, IL -- University of Chicago particle physicist Matthew Sharp drove halfway home before he was struck with the fear that he'd left the Argonne Tandem Linac Accelerator System running Tuesday night. "I think I powered it down after smashing those 9-GeV electrons into 3.1-GeV positrons, but I don't specifically remember flipping the switch," Sharp said. "Not only does a nine million volt electrostatic tandem Van de Graaff injector accelerator cost a lot to run; it's also a pretty serious fire hazard." Sharp almost turned his car around, but didn't, because the past three times he's gone back to check on the accelerator, he's found it off.

VOLUME 38 ISSUE 46 -- 11 DECEMBER 2002 COJOINED TWIN HOGGING KIDNEY SPRINGFIELD, MO -- Bruce Andrusko, 27, complained loudly Monday about his conjoined twin Bryce's habit of hogging the brothers' middle kidney. "He drinks tons of beer, and that only leaves me the one kidney for everything I drink," said Bruce, who has been fused with Bryce at the torso since birth. "I'm sick of it." Bryce responded that Bruce "never seems to complain" when the beer is introduced to their shared bloodstream.

VOLUME 39 ISSUE 28 -- 23 JULY 2003 MAN TRAPPED UNDER BOULDER BRACES FOR POSSIBLE GOOD MORNING AMERICA INTERVIEW YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA -- Rock climber Scott Prichard, 31, who has spent the last 48 hours with his legs pinned under a boulder on Glacier Point, is reportedly bracing himself for a possible interview on Good Morning America. "God, Charles Gibson, that annoying weatherman with the wisecracks," a sweat- and urine-soaked Prichard said. "I pray Diane Sawyer doesn't ask me if I wanted to climb the Point 'because it was there.' I just would not be able to stomach that kind of inane chit-chat." Prichard then passed out from the intense pain.

VOLUME 35 ISSUE 05 -- 10 FEBRUARY 1999 2-D DORITOS SALES LAGGING DALLAS-- In the wake of the launch of "Doritos 3-Ds," Frito-Lay is experiencing a sharp decrease in sales of its original two-dimensional Doritos. "The public has gone wild for our revolutionary three- dimensional chips, which, in addition to the usual length and width, also possess depth," Frito-Lay spokesman Isaac Toomer said. "So wild, in fact, that they lost interest in traditional monoplanar snack chips." Toomer said Frito-Lay is now developing a highly theoretical "Funyuns 4-D." "One day, people everywhere will enjoy crispy, extratemporal Funyuns that intersect with an infinite number of parallel universes," Toomer said. "It will be a whole new world of non-Euclidean snacking."

VOLUME 34 ISSUE 03 -- 19 AUGUST 1998 RIVERBOAT HORSERACING FAILS UTTERLY BILOXI, MS-- Owners of the nation's first riverboat-horseracing facility announced its closure Tuesday, minutes after the inaugural race. "I guess we planned it pretty poorly," said Ronald Frisch, president and CEO of Gambling Concepts Unlimited. "We figured that once we opened the dining-room doors, the horses would know to race through the grand buffet room to the other side of the boat." Twenty-five people were trampled to death in the chaos that resulted, and eight horses drowned when they fell from the riverboat's lower deck. Gambling Concepts Unlimited officials said they still plan to hold next month's airborne rodeo as scheduled.

VOLUME 39 ISSUE 46 -- 26 NOVEMBER 2003 VULGARIA MAY POSSESS FLYING-CAR TECHNOLOGY WASHINGTON, DC -- State Department officials are "deeply concerned" by a newly released report that Vulgarian despot Baron Bomburst has acquired Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the fantastical flying car created by zany, limber inventor Caractacus Potts. "Vulgaria is already a leader in the fields of child abduction and wife-beating," Secretary of State Colin Powell said Monday. "If they can reverse-engineer the Potts device and discover the tactically crucial, splendiferous technology of airborne, turn-of-the-century Grand Prix racers, the global balance of power could potentially be altered forever."